How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce

Telling your children about an impending divorce is one of the most challenging conversations any parent will face. As a Syracuse divorce attorney, I've worked with countless families navigating this difficult transition. While there's no perfect way to share this news, approaching the conversation with care, honesty, and age-appropriate communication can help your children begin to process this major life change. In this post I detail some insights over the years helping clients navigate this difficult situation.

Preparing for the Conversation

Before you sit down with your children, it's important that you and your spouse are on the same page. Ideally, both parents should be present for this conversation to show a united front. This demonstrates to your children that even though the marriage is ending, you're still working together as parents.

Choose a time when you won't be rushed and a private setting where your children feel safe and comfortable. Avoid telling them right before school, bedtime, or a special event. Weekend mornings or early afternoons often work well, giving children time to process the information and ask questions without the pressure of immediate obligations.

Take time to manage your own emotions beforehand. While it's natural and even healthy for children to see that you have feelings about the divorce, you want to be composed enough to focus on their needs during this conversation.

What to Say

Keep your explanation simple, honest, and age-appropriate. Young children need basic information delivered in clear terms, while teenagers may want more details and context. Regardless of age, focus on these key messages:

The decision is final. Don't leave room for false hope that you might reconcile if that's not the plan. Children need clarity to begin adjusting to their new reality.

It's not their fault. Children, especially younger ones, often believe they caused the divorce. Explicitly tell them that the divorce has nothing to do with anything they did or didn't do.

Both parents still love them. Reassure your children that your love for them hasn't changed and never will. The divorce is between the adults, not between parent and child.

Their needs will be met. Let them know that both parents will continue to take care of them and that you're working on plans to make sure they feel secure and supported.

What Not to Say

During this emotional time, it's equally important to avoid certain topics:

• Don't blame your spouse or share details about infidelity, financial problems, or other adult issues. Your children don't need to hear negative things about their other parent and exposing them to these details can create lasting emotional harm.

• Don't make promises you can't keep. If you're uncertain about living arrangements or custody schedules, it's better to say you're working on the details than to promise something that might change.

• Don't ask your children to choose sides or keep secrets from the other parent. Children should never feel caught in the middle of their parents' conflict.

Addressing Their Questions and Concerns

After you've shared the news, give your children space to react. Some may cry, others may become angry, and some might shut down emotionally. All of these reactions are normal. Let them know their feelings are valid and that it's okay to feel sad, confused, or upset.

Be prepared to answer questions, which may come immediately or days later. Common concerns include:

• Where will I live?

• Will I have to change schools?

• What will happen on holidays and birthdays?

• Will we have enough money?

• Can I still see my friends?

• What about our pets?

If you don't know the answer to a question, be honest about that. Let them know you're working on these details and will share information as soon as you have it.

Moving Forward

Remember that talking to your children about divorce isn't a one-time conversation, it's an ongoing dialogue. As circumstances change and as your children mature, they'll likely have new questions and concerns. Keep communication open and check in regularly about how they're feeling.

Consider professional support for your children during this transition. Many schools offer counseling services, and therapists who specialize in working with children of divorce can provide valuable support.

Finally, take care of yourself. The better you manage your own stress and emotions, the more present and supportive you can be for your children. Your emotional stability will be one of their greatest sources of comfort during this difficult time.

Legal Considerations in New York

As you navigate these conversations with your children, it's also important to understand how New York law addresses custody and parenting arrangements. New York courts make decisions about custody and visitation based on the best interests of the child, considering factors such as each parent's ability to provide for the child's needs, the child's relationship with each parent, and the child's wishes (depending on age and maturity).

Working with an experienced family law attorney can help ensure that your parenting plan serves your children's best interests while protecting your parental rights. A well-crafted custody agreement should provide stability and clarity for your children as they adjust to their new family structure.

Contact a Syracuse Divorce Attorney Today

If you're facing divorce and have questions about custody, parenting time, or how to protect your children's wellbeing during this transition, our firm is here to help. We understand that your children's welfare is your top priority, and we're committed to helping you achieve a resolution that supports their emotional and physical wellbeing. Contact us today to schedule a consultation. Contact our office today for a free confidential consultation with an experienced Syracuse divorce attorney.

For more details on the divorce process please visit our Divorce and Frequently Asked Questions pages

Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Laws and guidelines can change, so always verify with current statutes or a professional.